glom of thoughts.
i’ve seen to many people become fools of the heart. i’ve seen them give second chances to people who don’t deserve it. i see their hearts break as the second chance is stomped on. i hate it. i am tired of being stomped on. that’s why more often than not, i just say no. i turn away. i can’t handle a lot. i put on a brave front. i try to present myself as the person i want to be. but i’m not okay. i’m not very strong. and i cry way more often than i’d like to admit. i don’t’ know why i feel like i’m always falling apart. i look at strangers on the street. i watch them sit in their cars and stare absent-minded at the red light. and i wonder if they’re quietly going crazy too. i wonder if they’re happy. i wonder if they’re okay. and if their parent’s love them. i wonder if their father ever hugs them. and i wonder if they have a little sister they’re proud of. i spend way too much time thinking about things that don’t matter. i could fill books with nonsense. i used to paint my journals in sadness and confusion. this morning i told my mother that i felt like i couldn’t catch my breath. and she said “i don’t pity people who don’t take medication to make themselves feel better”. and i wonder “if medication makes me feel ‘normal’ isn’t that abnormal? will i ever feel normal?” i don’t know. i just don’t want to have to take medication every day. i probably couldn’t afford it anyway. i don’t know what i need. i know part of it is a healthy environment. but that requires money. i just want to run off and own a farm for animal rescues. i want love. i want love. i write in my journal. and it’s all stupid five year old jibberish ” i want to feel okay. i want to feel okay”. i want to feel okay. i really do wonder if i’m the only person losing it. and if i’m not, i wonder how everyone else does it so elegantly. i wonder why we all don’t talk about it. i talk about it and i get weird looks “well change something”. it’s not that easy. i could change it all if i could wiggle my nose and have things change in the blink of an eye. but life’s just not that easy. for right now, i’ll just be happy with what i have. and try to not to focus focus focus so much on the things that terrify me. i think i’m getting bad again. because i don’t want to do anything. i don’t want to be out of my comfort zone. but my only progress has been made when i move out of my comfort zone. and i wonder if my life will always just be me being in a constant state of anxiety and being uncomfortable living life like a normal adult. everything makes me anxious some days. and i won’t even tell my boss about the dollar that the vending machine took. i don’t know how to function well on these days. i count these days the way my alcoholic uncle would count his relapses. “it’s been 6 days since i last had a drink”. i nod. and think “it’s been 2 weeks since i broke down the to point where i want to stay in bed because life scares me”. but what scares me more than life is living like i want to on the days i don’t want to do anything. i lay there. and “i almost hit one month with out crumbling”. and then the count begins again. and i think “I can make it to one month. i can make it to six weeks”. and then disappointment comes because i know i can’t function like most can. and i don’t want to be me. i don’t want to feel these things. i don’t want to think about how many suicides there have been in my family. i don’t want to think about what they looked like in their caskets and i don’t to think about how my mother would dress me in if it had to be the last thing i ever wore. and i wan’t to fight. and i get so worked up. and even now my hands are shaking. i will be better. tomorrow is a different day. and i have sushi. and there are so many people i haven’t met. and so many jokes i haven’t heard. and so many things i have yet to learn. and i want to be better so i can do these things. and i want to be better so i can feel okay. and i just really need to be okay today. today has to be okay. i need it to be okay.